Mother
had been {Two telling words,
right off the bat. Yikes!} right, but that didn’t surprise any of
us. She said year after year since I turned sixteen that her girls simply had {Use a stronger word than “had;” perhaps “need”}
to be ‘seen,’ {Use double
quotation marks always, unless you’re a newspaper editor and if the quote is
inside another quotation} and the rest would be taken care of {Passive voice. Perhaps something like “and our
stunning looks would take care of the rest”}. Despite the fact that her {Confusing pronoun use (I abbreviate PnU). The
last female(s) mentioned is “her girls,” which makes it confusing as to which “her”
this pronoun refers to.} husband was indecently poor, her daughters
were equally beautiful. {It sounds arrogant, me praising one of my own sentences, but
I make sure I do this in all things I critique: praise what I like. I happen to
really like this sentence.} The most beautiful, according to several
sources, in Lodore and possibly on the continent. In fact, there were several men who were willing to stake
their honor on the fact that they had {Unnecessary word (UW)} never before seen four
such beautiful girls. {I’ve thought this since I started writing this story, but I
think this paragraph is too full of back story and description that could
probably be placed elsewhere in the story.}
Still,
Aunt Ottie, my father’s younger sister, was reluctant to give up her box {What kind of box? Her cardboard box?}
for us. Well, she would come, of course, but she had much more distinguished
guests in mind for opening night at the opera. Madam Charlotte was performing,
after all.
“Yes,
I’m sure you intended someone far richer to accompany you.” Mother {Attribution punctuation (Ap). I’m a little embarrassed
to see this here, but I did start this draft over two years ago, before I knew
about that. J Still, I’m glad it’s
here for demonstration purposes. When using an attribution such as “said,”
don’t use a period at the end of the preceding sentence. Use a comma, a
question mark, or an exclamation point. Don’t capitalize “he, she, they.” Example:
“We’re going to the store,” she said. “We’re going to the store?” he asked.
“We’re going to the store!” they exclaimed. If the attribution comes before the
sentence, use a comma. She said, “We’re going to the store.” Use a period with
a tag or beat (action). She held open the door. “We’re going to the store.”
“We’re going to the store.” He walked out with her. Check out these posts for
more information: http://raneesclark.blogspot.com/2011/03/things-you-need-to-know-now-grammar-is.html
and my go-to-girl, Grammar Girl http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/attributives.aspx}
had said gracefully to her moderately rich sister-in-law. “Considering how
intent you’ve been on marrying Alvin to Miss Tinby, I would venture a guess you
have her and her parents in mind?”
Ottoline
Edmunds stiffened at the slight. “Of course I’d be more than willing to have
the girls next week. You know I’m very generous with my box.”
Mother
gave her a mollifying smile. “Oh, yes, Ottie. Of course.”
At this point Tilda made a {Diluting the
action with more words than necessary. http://raneesclark.blogspot.com/2011/12/decluttering-part-2-diluting-action.html}
perfectly timed interruption. “No one knows how soon Lodore may be going {I’d suggest “may
go to war”} to war. The sooner one of us gets a husband, the better.
All the rich men might be dead when it’s over—or worse, poor. It must be
tonight, Aunt Ottie. All the best parties will be at the beginning of the
season.”
Mother
had given {UW – perhaps, “gave”}
Tilda a reproachful look, but it was all for show. The ladies of Black Park were experts at
influencing whomever and whenever they wanted—well, all except Ari. She
couldn’t lie, especially about husbands and love. It didn’t matter, though,
since she had Gabe.
Aunt
Ottie sniffed. “Perhaps tomorrow.” {AP} She conceded.
“Oh,
Aunt Ottie!” Linny wailed. Her abject disappoint was a perfect companion to
Tilda’s bold honesty about our pitiable situation. “But all the girls are
saying that {UW}
everyone is going to be at the opera tonight! Oh, really, Aunt Ottie, please.”
Aunt
Ottie’s mouth twitched. Perhaps she realized she was being manipulated {This phrase is just full of things that make
me cringe. Passive voice, too many forms of “to be.” Maybe reword: “Perhaps she
realized her nieces were manipulating her.”} by her nieces.
It
was my turn. I turned to my
mother {One
thing I commonly advise when I critique is to pick one name for everyone and
refer to them at least 98% of the time by that name, especially for family
members. Unless variety is absolutely necessary, use Mother, Father, etc.
instead of my mother, my father, my brother . . . }, displaying my
excellent talent for complete indifference. “I think we should ask the
Baldwins. Anna and Elizabeth will be glad to have us with them. Especially if
Tilda can persuade our cousins to join us at intermission. Which of course she
always can.” I let my eyes rest innocently on Aunt Ottie, but she wasn’t fooled
for a second.
Her
lips straightened out to form a thin, dangerous line. She couldn’t bear the
thought of her sons flirting with girls like Anna and Elizabeth Baldwin. “Very
well.” She {AP}
finally hissed {Use the mundane
words! Use said and asked 99% of the time. Don’t use attribution words that a
normal human can’t actually do, e.g. hiss, laugh, smile, etc. If you doubt me,
try hissing and saying your sentence at the same time, try it with all the
other words. From everything I’ve read, you should use said and asked in
general, leaving out attributions like shout, shriek, etc. A reader’s mind
skips over “said” and “asked,” whereas using shriek, shout, hiss, etc. jars the
readers mind and causes him to pause, which disrupts flow. Keep it simple and
let the dialog drive it. Using “loud” attributives is another form of telling.
“I never want to see you
again!” she shouted. (The shouted is almost repetitive here. We know by what
she said that she’s angry.)
If you want backup:
http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/attributives.aspx
http://raneesclark.blogspot.com/2011/03/things-you-need-to-know-now-grammar-is.html
http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/said.shtml}.
She
composed her voice and went on as she stood. “I’ll send the car for you.”
Without another word she had
{UW}
swept furiously {Another UW –
adverbs in so many cases. Here, “furiously” isn’t necessary. We can tell by
Ottie’s actions that she’s angry. “Swept” is quite enough. . Beware of: really,
quickly, and very. They are often redundant and unnecessary. Take adverbs out
wherever it doesn’t change the sentence or tone. If you can’t take one out
without changing the meaning or tone, try to reword and drive the sentence
without the adverb. Use the adverb as a last resort.} out of our
drawing room.
No comments:
Post a Comment