Things You Need To Know Now: Let Me Formally Introduce You To Your Character

If you write regency romance, you are excused from this lecture.

It's happened to all of us. That witty comment sounded soooo good in our head. Then it came out of the mouth of a twenty-year old. And the eyebrows of your teen audience shot up, and they thought, "I would never say something like that..."

If you want to check out how truly hilarious regency-era speech can sound in a modern plot, check out Sarah M. Eden's blog post here: http://www.sarahmeden.com/2011/02/if-every-story-were-written-like-cliche.html.

The truth is, unless your twenty-something hero went to boarding school in England and was raised in strict, traditional, butler-and-all English manor house, he can't channel Mr. Darcy, Edward Ferrars, and heaven forbid, Mr. Rochester.

It just isn't done, my dear.

I know what you're thinking. You know how kids talk now, don't you? You have teens. Heck, you were a teen once, not so very long ago, right? Do you know what the word "besty" means? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Unfortunately, there's not a quick-fix for getting your character's speech down. Here's a few suggestions:
1. Sit down and write, in a bulleted list, your character's specifications. Age, looks, likes, dislikes. Better yet, take one of those chain emails where you tell everyone all about yourself and answer the questions for your characters. Just free-write. Don't worry about grammar (gasp!), or word choice, being repetitive, etc. Just write like you would in a diary. Get to know your character.
2. Use contractions. Unless your characters has some big reason for sounding snotty and over-educated (like they were born in 1809), use contractions.
3. Find someone who is the age of your character and have a long conversation with them. Note the words they use, the phrases, the lack of grammatical correctness, and the over-usage of the words awesome and totally.

One more thing, if you're saying right now, "Well my heroine is 32. She wouldn't say awesome. Or totally. She's so mature now." (I can't believe I'm admitting this...) I'm 28. I use those words on an hourly basis. And I consider myself very mature. :)

If you're not sure, post your paragraph below. We'll have a rousing discussion! :) And I will always edit 10 pages for free. Send me a big chunk of dialog. I'd love to hip-up your 25 year-old hero.  

Things You Need to Know NOW!: Grammar Is Not Optional

Grammar Is Not Optional: Punctuating Dialog and Other Common Grammar Mistakes

I’ve always had a fairly decent grip on grammar, but along with the critique came small mistakes I’d never known I was making. I dug out all the grammar books I could find, searched the internet, read all about commas so I could spot my mistakes and make my writing more polished and professional.

Punctuating Dialog

“Hello, Finna.” He said, hugging me tightly once I was inside. “How was school?”

“Mr. Walters let me retake the test.” I answered, dropping my bag into one of the big soft chairs that faced his desk and planted myself comfortably in the other, wondering how long we were going to have to wait for the visitor.

“Excellent.” Dad responded, leaning against his desk. “How did you do?”

“C-minus.” I answered, trying to look optimistic about this. “No books fell on him.” I added with a hopeful shrug and Dad grinned, easing my mind immediately.

“That’s comforting.” He replied. He cleared his throat and looked past me.

Dialog, also from the scary “final draft,” version five of “Bloom.” Cringe.

Here’s the correct way to punctuate:

“Hello, Finna,” He said, hugging me tightly once I was inside. “How was school?”

“Mr. Walters let me retake the test,” I answered, dropping my bag into one of the big soft chairs that faced his desk and planted myself comfortably in the other, wondering how long we were going to have to wait for the visitor. [And better: “Mr. Walters let me retake the rest.” I dropped my bag into one of the big soft chairs that faced his desk…]

“Excellent,” Dad responded, leaning against his desk. “How did you do?”

“C-minus,” I answered, trying to look optimistic about this. “No books fell on him,” I added with a hopeful shrug and Dad grinned, easing my mind immediately.

“That’s comforting,” he replied. He cleared his throat and looked past me.

It seemed so strange at first, all those commas and lower-case letters. I had to really work, do some soul-searching on the internet to convince myself my reviewers were telling me the truth. But I finally cleared it out in my mind. Take out the quotes and think of the dialog as a sentence.

Excellent. Dad responded, leaning against the desk. How did you do?
That’s comforting. He replied. He cleared his throat and looked past me.

It looks silly like that, doesn’t it? So here are the rules:

1.       When a dialog is attributed to a character using a word like said, asked, responded, replied, etc. it should be punctuated with a comma, and the words following the comma should be lower-case, except for proper nouns.
Examples:
“We’re going to the store,” she said.
“We’re going to the store?” he asked.
“We’re going to the store!” they shouted.
“We’re going to the store,” I said.

2.       Whenever possible, leave off an attribution like said, asked, responded, replied, etc. and attribute the speech with an action instead. When the attribution is marked by an action, use a period to punctuate the speech.
Examples:
She held open the door. “We’re going to the store.”
“We’re going to the store?” He raised his eyebrows in surprise.
“We’re going to the store!” They stomped up and down.

3.       Nine times out of 10 you should use the common words like said or asked, if you use an attribution word at all. According to many things I’ve read on the subject, readers basically just skip over said or asked. Words like shrieked, yelled, demanded stand out instead of flow. Here is an excellent article I found online on the subject: http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/said.shtml

Other Common Grammar Mistakes I Come Across

This is not, by any means, a comprehensive list of grammar mistakes. As the title suggests, these are the mistakes I see most often when critiquing the works of others, and prior to April 2010, my own writing. J

Comma Splice

Mae sobbed into Porter’s shoulder, the death of her mentor devastated her.

The biggest mistake I see are comma splices. According to Diane Hacker in “A Writers Reference,” a comma splice is “two or more independent clauses joined by a comma without a coordinating conjunction.”

The two phrases above, “Mae sobbed into Porter’s shoulder” and “the death of her mentor devastated her,” could stand alone. They each have a subject (Mae, her) and a verb (sobbed, devastated). Even though the two sentences are related, they either must be split into two sentences:

Mae sobbed into Porter’s shoulder. The death of her mentor devastated her.

Split by a semi-colon (not recommended. Semi-colons should be used sparingly.)

Mae sobbed into Porter’s shoulder; the death of her mentor devastated her.

Or joined by a conjunction:

Mae sobbed into Porter’s shoulder because the death of her mentor devastated her.

There are writers who claim they’re using a comma splice stylistically. Obviously that’s your call. I tend to follow the advice of Mignon Fogerty on this subject. She’s also known as Grammar Girl and has a website called Quick and Dirty tips. She has an amazing podcast on this subject: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/comma-splice.aspx

Commas between independent phrases with a coordinating conjunction

This is incorrect: Mae sobbed into Porter’s shoulder and he patted her reassuringly on the back.

Again, both phrases are independent and could stand alone. Place a comma before the coordinating conjunction (and).

Mae sobbed into Porter’s shoulder, and he patted her reassuringly on the back.

Don’t use a comma if one or both of the phrases are dependent—couldn’t stand alone.

Mae sobbed into Porter’s shoulder and blew her nose on his shirt. (Blew her nose on his shirt is not a complete sentence. It is dependent—so no comma.)

Introductory phrases

According to Diana Hacker and introductory word groups are “clauses and phrases functioning as adverbs.”

When her sobbing ended, Porter led Mae to the car.

They can also include “participal phrases describing a noun or pronoun immediately following them.” (Hacker, 236).

Blasting through the cave, Porter and Mae found the TimeGlass.

Hacker also notes: “Other introductory word groups include conjunctive adverbs, transitional expressions, and absolute phrases.” (237).

Next installment: Words I Repeatedly Overuse. Do you?

Things You Need to Know NOW!

Some day I’m going to have a really great e-book with all the things I’ve learned. For now, it will come piece by piece on my blog. J

Things You Need To Know NOW!
Introduction:

In early 2010 a kind editor at Cedar Fort suggested that I join a writers group to get peer feedback on my manuscript for Bloom. I found the American Night Writers Association, a group for LDS women and decided it was the perfect fit for me.

The biggest thing I’ve learned since then is that not only getting your work critiqued, but also critiquing others work is one of the best ways to write well. In those short months I’ve critiqued several full manuscripts, selections, pitch letters, synopses for my sister members, and I’ve learned a TON about how to write well.

I can’t just sit back with this knowledge. Of course I share it whenever I post my comments in someone’s work, but I feel that you all have a right to know these basics. Basics I didn’t have a clue about before I had my work critiqued. It’s the reason I have several manuscripts still heavily littered with “was” or incorrect punctuation of dialog.

My 13 year old sister participated in the youth program for NaNo WriMo this year and let me critique her MS. She let me rip it apart harshly, and I justified my bad behavior by telling her if she knows this now, she has 10 years of good writing on me.

So here are the things I wish I’d discovered years ago. The thing you need to know NOW!

This isn’t show & tell. Just show.

It’s just that the things that everyone in my world can do easily—naturally—are a struggle to me. Like the easiest power Enchanters have, that is sensing the thoughts and feelings of others and in turn blocking those thoughts and feelings from being seen by just anyone, should be, by now, second nature. I have been trained to block and sense since I was old enough to be trained in the simple powers and still when I get really excited or if I’m not concentrating on it, I forget to control it. It can be rather embarrassing, especially when you’re thinking about how utterly good looking the guy in your math class is, you teacher calls on you and in the fluster of the moment you let that slip.
And he starts laughing.

Above is the second paragraph from version five of Bloom. Five major revisions, a draft I considered final. I actually submitted this version to three publishers for consideration. Aside from the rampant run on sentences and total lack of commas, there’re enough ‘telling’ words in that paragraph to choke an editor. No wonder the Cedar Fort editor asked me to join a writing group. I’m surprised she didn’t beg me to get a Masters of Fine Arts before I ever darkened her desk again with what I called writing!

You can imagine the comments I got from the great ladies who volunteered to critique. I deserved that every other comment contained the phrase “show instead of tell.”

I’ve put the “telling words” in bold so they stick out. (As if they didn’t jump out enough!) They are common indicators that a writer is “telling” the reader about something instead of painting a picture for them or “showing.”

Let’s look at some bad, obvious examples. In my 2010 NaNo WriMo novel Mae Nickson: Monster Hunter, I wrote this sentence to describe a character:

He had long greasy brown hair and dark brown, almost black eyes. He was skinny and didn’t look strong.

Using had, was, and look are weak ways of describing the character. I like to call the better way to write writing actively. Use your description for a purpose. Here’s a better example:

Long, greasy brown hair hung limply in front of his face, almost obscuring his black eyes. He bent his skinny form into the chair.

A reader engages in this type of writing. Instead of just telling you he’s skinny, I use an action to describe it; not only showing you what he looks like but getting him into a chair as well.

Kelly Mortimer, of Mortimer Literary Agency, explained it well in her handouts for her presentation at the 2010 ANWA Conference. She clarifies the mistake like this, “Instead of moving the story forward through action and dialog, a writer tells us through exposition…Watch forms of ‘to be’ and ‘felt.’”

Words that stick out to me: was (or is, but most authors write in past tense so ‘was’ tends to pop up most), has, had, have, felt.

Why is ‘was’ a problem? Don’t get me wrong, “Was” certainly has a place in your manuscript, but at least 98% of the time you can cut it out and reword the sentence. Too much exposition, or telling, bores a reader. Immersing the reader in the action and dialog excites a reader.

Don’t go through your manuscript and cut out every instance of “was,” or the others words, you see. You’ll end up with some very awkward sentences. Do go through and cut out as many as you can, rewording for more active, interesting language.

When I edited Bloom after I got back my peer critiques, changing all those telling words frustrated me. Here’re some tips for when you get frustrated:

Take the sentence that’s you’re trying to reword.
Example: It’s just that the things that everyone in my world can do easily—naturally—are a struggle to me.
Then I ask myself a question about it that usually contains either Why? or How?
Example: Why are these natural abilities a struggle for Finna?
Just answer the question: Finna often doubts herself. Enchanter powers take concentration, and second guessing her abilities diminishes it.
Using what you’ve written, reword the sentence.
Example: It all seems to come so easily to everyone else, but I struggle. Probably because I second guess myself all the time.

NOW this is important:
Do not, under any circumstances, change the voice of your narrator. If you can’t find a way to change the sentence without making it awkward, or if it sounds out of character, then leave it. Your writing voice is most important, and if you change it you’ll sound just like everyone else. And that’s the last thing you want to do.  

I wish I could post the better paragraph from Bloom so you could see the incredible transformation “showing” instead of “telling” did for it. Truth is, that whole paragraph got axed and the information it conveyed to the reader sprinkled throughout an entire chapter with a lot more action and a lot less exposition.

Look For—Grammar Is Not Optional: Punctuating Dialog and Other Common Grammar Mistakes.