Three Hundred Thursday #5

Yes, it's another Three-Hundred Thursday! Today's is from a MS titled EVE OF THE SIREN. 

Jagged rocks twisted, towered over, (I'm a big fan of the serial comma, so I always insert it. It's a style choice, but whatever the style choice made, just use it consistently throughout the MS) and surrounded Ax, cocooning him a cold, shadowy prison. The water current swirled and taunted his body bringing with it pungent odors from Panthon prison. It was (Can a stronger, more descriptive word be used here to convey something about this prison? Consider something like stood, towered, rotted -- any one word that might give the reader a better idea of this prison) miles away, but Ax wasn’t surprised it didn't surprise Ax (To avoid passive writing) that he could smell it. That place reeked. Still, he was glad for the stench. He was counting counted (More often than not, past progressive use with "was" can be changed to simple past tense without making the sentence awkward or without changing the meaning. It brings the action closer to the reader and doesn't crowd up the sentence) on it to mask his own scent.

Three-Hundred Thursday #4

Another FANTASTIC volunteer up on the chopping block (pun intended ... but you won't get it until the last few lines of the narrative ... sorry.)

Red is sort of intimidating, isn't it? So today, just changes are in red and my comments are in blue. SO much friendlier. Right? :D

The square was crowded, throngs of people Throngs of people crowded the square, (Right off this is a telling sentence instead of a describing, action oriented sentence) pushing closer to the platform, straining to get a glimpse of this (I'm a stickler for tense. This isn't wrong by any means, but it throws me a little, pulling me out of the story) week's goods. The surrounding buildings had been meticulously restored to look like authentic 19th century architecture – red brick, long, segmented windows with plantation shutters, old porch steps, (I have to tell you, the serial comma is actually a style choice. I always suggest using it because the only place it isn't common to use it is in newspapers and magazines, where they're trying to save space. Whatever you choose, to use the serial comma or not, just be consistent throughout the manuscript) and wrought iron leading up to doorways. (One of the things we've talked about in previous Three Hundred Thursday posts is grounding your reader in a scene. I'm confused at this opening. "This week's goods" makes me want to think old-timey market, but "authentic 19th century" makes me think modern. Confusing.)

Three-Hundred Thursday #3

Another first pages participant. I love that you guys are so willing on this. Way to get out there! Way to be brave.

*****

Some secrets shouldn’t be shared. (My opinion on this opening is just that, my opinion. I'm not sure I like it. It seems more like it belongs on a query letter or back cover.)

To keep secrets, lying was necessary. Lucy James knew this better than most people. Her whole life had been a series of deliberate misinformation (This phrase is tripping me up for some reason. I'm not sure if it's because we have "series" -- plural -- up against "misinformation" -- not plural, or if it's because series leads me to think of events and "deliberate misinformation" aren't events. Hmmm.)—not out of a fundamental dishonesty or a disregard for civility, but out of self-protection. Some would say a cheater’s glimpse into the future was a gift. To Lucy it was a curse she had to protect through constant deception.

Lying was also one of her job requirements as a CIA courier.

In Honor of GUTGAA: Query Critique #2

Another brave participant sends their query out into the world to be torn to pieces. Way to go!

WORLD OF SHELL AND BONE
DYSTOPIAN/SPECULATIVE FICTION (ADULT)
60,000 WORDS

Query:

In a world ravaged by a nuclear holocaust, Vika Cannon When I first read this, for some reason I thought it was a boy. Don't ask me why. Didn't realize until later that it's a woman. This thought could be of absolutely NO importance, but I thought I'd throw it in there. Ha! (Just FYI, it didn't throw me or distract me when I realized it was a girl.) knows there are no guarantees: no guarantees of safety, no guarantees that your neighbor is not actually a spy for the government, and no guarantees you’ll be allowed to emigrate to Asia, which is a person’s only chance for survival. Great hook. My only, little-tiny-nit-picky-thing is, can it be shortened?

Query Critique: In Honor of GUTGAA

So I'm participating in GUTGAA (check out the badge in the right hand sidebar for more information!) It's totally cool, a ton of help, and agents around to boot. In honor of it, I'm picking out query critiques from those of you who've submitted for Three Hundred Thursday and posting one a day for the rest of the week.

So on to courageous Victim #3

Dear Agent/Editor,

As you have successfully represented/published Awesome Author and her novel, "Really Cool Book," Or books by other authors can be in small caps: really cool book. I think you would be interested in my young adult science fiction novel EXISTENCE. Good opening. In his post on query letters, guru Nathan Bransford expounds on how important researching and personalizing is.

Seventeen-year-old Chrissie Fox can't imagine a life which that doesn't include Time Curving. She and her father have been working against Time Flyers, a group intent on changing the past to destroy the future. She's put off any thoughts of friendship or romance in order to keep her trips to the past a secret. Great hook. Small, minor, opinion on construction here. I'm totally interested in "Time Curving." I'd suggest using this opening paragraph to give me at least a hint of what it is and saving the explanation about the Time Flyers for the meat of the query. 

Three-Hundred Thursday #2

This week's brave gladiator is coming into the ring with a query letter. Personally, I hate those pesky things, so I'm glad to cause pain to it. :D

*****

Senior Max Sanchez has it all. He’s the star pitcher for Port Fare High’s baseball team. He’s dating the head cheerleader, hottie Emma McKay, and he has a great group of friends. Here I'm concerned with this lead in. Typically the first line or two of a query is the hook -- something that grabs the agent/publisher and says "You MUST read more about this book." This is somewhat generic. A main character who has it all. One line I heard over and over during the query and pitch events at WriteOnCon from the agents and editors was "What makes your story stand out? Focus on that." Having read the first pages of this story (cheater in the house!), this doesn't do justice to the uniqueness.

Three-Hundred Thursday #1

Did any of you catch Gennifer Albin's live forum event at WriteOnCon where she critiqued the first 100 words of 10 lucky people's manuscripts? You know the comment I saw the most? "I wish I could have mine critiqued by a professional."

Well, I consider myself somewhere in between. :D I've been free-lancing for a while and now also do contract editing for the independent press Dessert Breeze Publishing. Plus, everyone knows that other eyes seeing your work is good for a writer. Seeing it through fresh eyes is invaluable.

So, introducing Three-Hundred Thursday, in which I and the readers critique (respectfully!) the first three hundred words of a writer's manuscript. (Do you want to participate? I'll post how you can get in on the fun at the end of the post.) Without further adieu, the first victim ... er, participant, Shauna Gonzalez.