Yes, it's another Three-Hundred Thursday! Today's is from a MS titled EVE OF THE SIREN.
Jagged rocks twisted, towered over, (I'm a big fan of the serial comma, so I always insert it. It's a style choice, but whatever the style choice made, just use it consistently throughout the MS) and surrounded Ax, cocooning him a cold, shadowy prison. The water current swirled and taunted his body bringing with it pungent odors from Panthon prison. It was (Can a stronger, more descriptive word be used here to convey something about this prison? Consider something like stood, towered, rotted -- any one word that might give the reader a better idea of this prison) miles away, but
Ax wasn’t surprised it
didn't surprise Ax (To avoid passive writing) that
he could smell it. That place reeked. Still, he was glad for the stench. He was counting counted (More often than not, past progressive use with
"was" can be changed to simple past tense without making the sentence
awkward or without changing the meaning. It brings the action closer to the
reader and doesn't crowd up the sentence) on it to mask his own scent.
Nightmare, a fitting nickname for the most feared soldier in history. (This is a little confusing. It didn't seem like a name above, or a person) He was also the Delphin soldier who was currently stalking
Yeah, right, this
This starts out as a great, edge-of-your-seat scene, making me wonder and want to read about if the character escapes, what has he done, why is someone after him. The last paragraph begins to "tell" a little bit more than show. Keep the reader in the scene, as though they're watching a movie. I like to take problem paragraphs sentence by sentence and ask myself, "What is the character seeing/hearing/feeling right now?" and then I try to show it.
Thank you, Contestant #5!
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