Well, I consider myself somewhere in between. :D I've been free-lancing for a while and now also do contract editing for the independent press Dessert Breeze Publishing. Plus, everyone knows that other eyes seeing your work is good for a writer. Seeing it through fresh eyes is invaluable.
So, introducing Three-Hundred Thursday, in which I and the readers critique (respectfully!) the first three hundred words of a writer's manuscript. (Do you want to participate? I'll post how you can get in on the fun at the end of the post.) Without further adieu, the first victim ... er, participant, Shauna Gonzalez.
*****
"That's it then." Trish patted
Yedi, her prized Arabian, on the neck. She (confusing
pronoun use. She could refer to the Yedi or Trish.) sat erect, her back straight (redundant)
and yet relaxed.
The sun inched higher above the eastern
mountains. She had no idea that what dawned as a
typical bright and cheery day in Southeastern Idaho would change by nightfall.
(This is tricky for POV. If she doesn't know, then how is the character
thinking about it now?) May was always a beautiful month, one she looked
forward to for more than the new greenery about her. The bursting of spring in
all its glory gave her hope each year on her birthday. Today, May 17 seventeenth (I always
suggest spelling out numbers 1-100 -- or further -- if they're simple),
somehow felt different. During Trish's youth, her birthday marked the
semi-regular (It seems like it would be difficult to
mark her birthday by visits that didn't happen every year.) visits from
Grammy, and her stories. Stories of
travel and wild adventures, stories Grammy promised, "criss-cross her
heart and never hope to die, (I always said it
"hope to die")" were true.
The valley lay below Trish. From here
she could see saw
(Or even better, is there a way to word it without using "saw"? When
firmly inside a character's POV, there isn't a need to alert the reader that
the character "saw", "heard", "felt", etc.
something. The character can simply experience it.) tractors crawling
like ants in the fields below. A vehicle sped down a country road leaving a
trail of dust in its wake in the early morning light.
(Like here.)
That's
the third time I've tried to pass the bar. I guess I'll never prosecute a case
in a court of law. It's a pity, really. All I've ever wanted to do was be a
successful attorney. Now I guess I never will be. I sat right here on my
twentieth birthday and vowed I'd get there. Ten years later, I'm still not
there. Maybe Grammy was right. (What
is Grammy right about?) She usually was.
Trish withdrew her grandmother's trinket
(Be specific about what it is and how it can be under
her shirt.) from under her shirt. It dangled on the long chain she (Confusing pronoun use. Does this refer to Trish or Grammy?) wore
around her neck. Sunlight shimmered on the intricate scrollwork so delicately
woven around the inner crystal. The inner scrolls affixed (Affixed doesn't seem like quite the right word here; it
almost makes the wording awkward. I needed to read through the sentence twice
to put it together.) to the outer casing in such a way to allow the
inner scrolls to turn one way while the outer scrolls the other. (Consider simplifying the description. To heavy on description
is more likely to confuse a reader than to help. They may have to read a few
times to visualize; never interrupt the flow of the narration.) She
fondled the talisman lovingly, keeping it from spinning.
These first words do a great
job of grounding the reader in the scene. Important things to remember about
the first few paragraphs -- unfair as it may be, this is where your reader
decides if they will keep reading or put it down. If these paragraphs grab
them, they will read on. If not, your book gets put down.
Some things Gennifer Albin
touched on in her "class" at WriteOnCon:
* Tension! This doesn't always
mean action or make or break stakes, but something that pushes the reader
onward, some kind of conflict.
* Make each word count. Keep
important things -- stuff that grounds the reader, but not too much exposition.
Be flowery in your first drafts, get out what you want to be said. When you
revise cut, cut, cut. Keep what is
important, toss what isn't.
*Make your descriptions pack
punch. Keep them informative but concise.
Help out and comment below. Please remember to keep your comments respectful and consider the author and his/her willingness to participate. (Psst. Thank you, Victim #1!)
Shauna Gonzalez's first novel DARK DAYS OF PROMISE will be released by Desert Breeze Publishing on September 21, 2012.
Shauna Gonzalez's first novel DARK DAYS OF PROMISE will be released by Desert Breeze Publishing on September 21, 2012.
Are you interested? Use the Contact Me page to send your first three-hundred words or your query letter for critique. Be brave!
Nice critique overall, I think. I like the comment about using "saw" and POV. That's something I'll take a look at in my own writing. I always say "cross your heart and hope to die," too, but I wouldn't be thrown off by the difference. I think it works well to characterize the grandmother.
ReplyDeleteI have nothing to add to Ranee's terrific critique. Tough as Kevlar and thorough, as always. Way to go, Shauna for being the first public victim!
ReplyDeleteGood critique. There are several suggestions that have me going back to my manuscript and reworking it. You are doing a great thing. Thank you for taking the time to help us aspiring authors.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for dropping by!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ranee. Great job.
ReplyDelete