WORLD OF SHELL AND
BONE
DYSTOPIAN/SPECULATIVE FICTION (ADULT)
60,000 WORDS
Query:
In a world ravaged by a nuclear holocaust, Vika Cannon When I first read this, for some reason I thought it was a boy. Don't ask me why. Didn't realize until later that it's a woman. This thought could be of absolutely NO importance, but I thought I'd throw it in there. Ha! (Just FYI, it didn't throw me or distract me when I realized it was a girl.) knows there are no guarantees: no guarantees of safety, no guarantees that your neighbor is not actually a spy for the government, and no guarantees you’ll be allowed to emigrate to Asia, which is a person’s only chance for survival. Great hook. My only, little-tiny-nit-picky-thing is, can it be shortened?
DYSTOPIAN/SPECULATIVE FICTION (ADULT)
60,000 WORDS
Query:
In a world ravaged by a nuclear holocaust, Vika Cannon When I first read this, for some reason I thought it was a boy. Don't ask me why. Didn't realize until later that it's a woman. This thought could be of absolutely NO importance, but I thought I'd throw it in there. Ha! (Just FYI, it didn't throw me or distract me when I realized it was a girl.) knows there are no guarantees: no guarantees of safety, no guarantees that your neighbor is not actually a spy for the government, and no guarantees you’ll be allowed to emigrate to Asia, which is a person’s only chance for survival. Great hook. My only, little-tiny-nit-picky-thing is, can it be shortened?
Every resident of New Amana has only one purpose. Females must produce healthy progeny using Husbands
When Vika Cannon is assigned Passive voice a Husband shortly after her twentieth birthday, she expects him to be complacent and obedient as all Husbands are. This is a fabulous twist! Punch people with this. But Shale Underwood has a secret. He is a member of the Radicals, the terrorist group intent on overthrowing the government and freeing the children in the Asylums. Not only that, Shale has information about Ceres, Vika’s sister, who was taken Passive voice to the Asylums as a child. This paragraph is where the story REALLY starts and is VERY interesting, but it seems late in the query. Is the agent's attention still captured to get to this? The query is great, but it seems risky.
Now, Vika must decide whether she wants to assist Shale Doing what? or have a baby and get on a ship to a new life. I'm guessing that having a baby is a pass to go to Asia, but don't make anyone guess, especially not an agent. Be specific.
I think this story is
absolutely GRAND. Seriously. My biggest suggestion would be to cut everything
you possibly could out of the second and third paragraphs and try to start out
with Vika's story right away in the second paragraph after the hook. As always,
easier said than done, I know.
Second suggestion: This
is just the meat of the query, meaning the personalization to the agent and
your biography still needs to be added in, making it a bit long. As I mentioned
above, agents look at the query for your writing prowess too. Not summarizing
concisely might make them wary of the story itself, in case it has the same
problems (whether that is true or not!).
Still, you have a
unique, dystopian story here and that's something you should run with. Good
luck!
Your turn! Add your comments below and BE RESPECTFUL or they will get deleted. Just saying. :) Are you interested? Use the Contact Me page to send your first three-hundred words or your query letter for critique. Be brave!
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